3 Months Old...

I have been fully submerged into the life of being a mom and as of last week, I am also a working mom. It has been fun but absolutely nuts! Whether or not I am having a good day revolves around pooping and feeding successes with Carter and Logan. But admittedly, things are already a bit easier than they were about a month ago. One of the reasons is that we bought a baby scale and now despite all the projectile vomit that Logan occasionally has and the constant need to be force fed, we still see that he is gaining weight well. That took a huge amount of stress and worry off our shoulders! We also kind of fell into a rhythm and got organized. Our designed days for sterilizing bottles (Tuesdays and Fridays) are clearly marked on the note on the fridge. We have enough Dr. Browns bottles to get through 24 hours without having to wash any. We got new vitamins that don't upset the boys' tummies...And with this first week behind us, I got through the tough part of learning to leave them with my mom and M's parents. It was not so bad at all, but it was a milestone for me. I only cried once, as I was pulling out of the driveway to go in the office. 

A steady stream of weekend visitors has helped us feel like we don't live in a cave, though we kind of are and should be living a bit antisocially this first winter and during RSV season. Last night, M and I actually rented a movie for the first time since the boys arrived and had a little date night in. Its not that we couldn't have done that sooner, but just that we were so stressed and tired each night that we always chose sleep over a movie. Now, there is a crazy talk of taking a family trip to Costco... I don't see the point, but he might convince me otherwise. We'll see!

C and L are thriving! Carter is sooo impatient and screams at the top of his lungs 30 min prior each feeding, effectively moving up our feeding schedule. He is almost 10 pounds now, our little lambchop. Logan is still my peanut, but he has grown too - 8lb 10oz. With L, we have to force feed him every feeding and sometimes he vomits. Lately, L has also had some issues in the pooping department so I am suspicious that he has more than just a milk/soy food allergy and decided to do a trial this weekend, feeding him only from the stash of frozen 100% hypoallergenic milk that I saved back when I was eating no dairy, nuts, eggs, soy, gluten, red meat, alcohol, citrus, etc.. I was eating like 10 things - you get the point. I guess if he does better with the straining and pooping on this milk then I may start cutting out foods I reintroduced already. I don't care if I have to eat cardboard for the next 6 months if that's what I had to do to have two happy baby boys.

Both of them started rolling tummy to back last week. Carter also spends a couple hours a day cooing and trying to talk. He looks up at the birds on the mobile above the swing and coos while following them with his eyes. Logan has not cood this much yet - he is much more reserved and patient compared to his brother. Both of them hold their heads up already, just a bit wobbly. Time really does fly!!! 

Being back at work has given me an opportunity to rest and stock up on energy for when I get home. It is truly so much harder to be a stay at home mom.....

In a Better Place – 3 weeks adjusted, 11 weeks old

There are so many moments every day with our boys that I think to myself “This is something I need to blog about before I forget” but I never have the time. These days, taking a shower without being rushed is simply a luxury – time is my most valuable commodity right now. Where to start?

Logan had his inguinal hernia repair surgery. There was a 24 hour hospital stay and he came out of anesthesia just fine! My hope was that this procedure would make the straining and discomfort go away, but it didn't. He continued to stain so hard that he would choke while feeding and then projectile vomit. I even suspected that he had pyloric stenosis and like any other mom committed to her son's wellness, I went on a research quest to figure out something that would help. Right now, we are giving him gas drops with every feeding and also probiotics twice a day – its the best combination that works for him though he still strains for hours sometimes.

Carter is gaining weight like a little monster – already 8.5 lbs! It makes me thrilled for him, but I also really want Logan to catch up. It will make things complicated in the laundry department when Carter moves up in size to 3 months old clothes and Logan stays in newborn.

The other day I decided to try nail clippers on Carter instead of filing them in hopes of it taking less time. The first nail clipped great – quick and he didn't even notice. The second nail, not so much. I clipped off the very tip of his little finger and the next hour was a blur – Carter and I both in tears trying to stop the bleeding, M is trying to help but stressed because UGA was losing and I chose a bad time to trim Carter's nails. Let's just say it was a disaster... And now 3 days later, M and I are pro's at putting band aids on tiny little fingers.

A week from now I will be going back to work and it scares me to no end to leave them. I have not really gone anywhere since they have been home from the NICU unless it was a doctors appointment. And even then, it took a lot of patience and planning to make that happen. I worry that Logan won't be eating as much because others will be feeding him and he is a tough baby to feed when he strains or has tummy discomfort. I worry that they will hit a milestone like socially smiling at someone and I won't be there to see it... I guess every working mom has at some point experienced these feelings. Most just had more than 4 weeks to spend with their munchkins before having to return to work. Its tough, but it could always be tougher – trying to stay positive that everything will be ok and maintain an iron-clad level of organization so that I can maximize the amount of time I spend with these two.

Happy Due Date! (40 weeks)

My calendar says its the 26th of October which means 2 days ago was Carter and Logan's due date. They are full therm babies this week! A week ago Logan came home and Carter followed him a few days later - just shy of 40 weeks. Its still surreal to me that they are both here though it has not been exactly a smooth ride. Logan was sent home on Similac Neosure preemie formula as a fortifier to my breast milk and it has made him strain SOO much until he cries. On the 2nd night of having him home, we took him to the ER because of an inguinal hernia that popped out. He cried so hard and was absolutely inconsolable. The ER doctor told us we'd have to wait until Logan is 50 weeks to get a minor corrective surgery (this type of hernia does not self resolve like the umbilical hernia). Days went by and we continued to hold our breath every time he strained. Finally, we asked his pediatrician for an early referral to the surgical group that would do the surgery. At this appointment yesterday, they decided to operate on him in 2-3 weeks, depending on schedule availability. I am relieved about that... We've been so stressed that he is never happy because of this straining and discomfort. While we wait to have surgery, there is gas drops, gripe water and we may try to fortify milk with a hypoallegenic easy to digest formula instead of Neosure.

Speaking of hypoallergenic, my elimination diet worked for Carter and we have not had issues with bloody stools anymore. I have even started reintroducing a few foods - Gatorade and had a small container of Five Guys fries (cooked in peanut oil) after our first trip to Babies R Us yesterday. It was divine!

Life with our two little boys at home is amazing, all worries aside. They are the most precious little people and it makes me happy to see them without driving anywhere. I have another month until I go back to work and I know it will fly by just like the last couple of weeks did.... Hope the next time I update, Logan and his GI issues will be in a better place. M has one more week off work and I will be a walking zombie after that. It takes minimum 2 hours to feed each baby and pump. We kept them on the NICU schedule so they are eating every 3 hours.... So, I would sleep in 1 hour pieces 3-4 times a night. I just keep telling myself "This is the hardest its ever going to be". Hope I'm right.

37+2 - Eating Challenges Continue

Our boys are continuing to work hard on learning to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time during feedings without dropping their heart rates or oxygen levels (when they forget to breathe). It seems though that we stalled a bit – very little progress to report this week. Both of them are still at 4 bottles (out of total 8) per 24 hours and even then, they aren't able to finish them. I have even taken a break with nursing them, so they can focus on mastering bottle feedings which are supposed to be less work than eating from the breast. A feeding specialist came by today to set up a time with us to customize a treatment plan to help them learn to eat. That would consist of finding a bottle and nipple that work for them (so many options out there!), teaching us to pace them some more (tilting the bottle to allow them to breathe), doing suck/swallow counts during feedings, and preventing apnea and bradycardia episodes before they occur by watching the babies. Its not a science, but an art – each baby is different and this is one thing that we don't have machines for in the NICU and the babies have to learn to do this on their own. They don't come home with feeding tubes... 

My biggest fear now is them not coming home by their 40 week due date, October 24. And the fear that follows is that I won't have enough time with them before I have to go back to work. It was hard enough to accept NICU visits eating up most of my maternity leave. Now, my return to work date (end of 12 weeks) is November 12th and I just left a voice mail for my boss yesterday asking him to call me to discuss a personal leave of absence. I plan to ask for just 2 more weeks, so I would return to work the week of Thanksgiving. That would essentially give me roughly a month with them at home before things get more complicated, but that's assuming they come home on October 24, which is less than 3 weeks away... I fear they won't be ready. Perhaps I should just be thankful for 2 healthy babies - this experience has been so humbling and we met SO many parents with kids that have major complications, that I simply can't overshadow the joy of having 2 healthy beautiful boys by my worries about spending time with them during leave. Everything should be considered in perspective! I tell myself that they are going at their own pace and will come home when they are ready.

Another small issue: Carter had some blood in his diaper (again – first time was Sept 23) and this time, its been diagnosed as a milk protein allergy. So, he has been getting Similac Alimentum formula and I have been put on an elimination diet of no dairy. On Monday, it will have been 5 days since my diet started and I will be able to start giving the NICU breast milk again for Carter. Poor little guy – the formula makes him constipated. It kills me to see him eating formula though I know its for less than a week, while I have a half full deep freezer of breast milk he can't tolerate. Logan hasn't had this problem, thankfully. Though I think having no dairy will benefit him too – he gets very gassy sometimes.

A bright spot from last week – a lovely nurse offered me to hold them at the same time for 5 minutes (their schedules are not synchronized so their allowed “touch times” are off by an hour). It was amazing! I never saw them so close to each other before and had a silly smile on my face the entire 5 minutes. Carter was awake and was exploring the boppy pillow with his big curious eyes and everything on it, including Logan. Logan was still snoozing, but he was moving his arms in his sleep. Somehow the two of them got to hold hands for a brief moment and I caught a picture of it... Absolutely precious. Moments like this make me so glad that I have twins and get to watch them interacting together though it is in very small ways right now.

Carter & Logan are 1 Month Old (36+3)!

Though their adjusted age is still negative one month old, our boys are officially one month old and boy, did this month go by in a blink of an eye! Logan gave me the best birthday gift ever – he is off all oxygen support! His nasal cannula came off this morning and he has done great breathing on his own. Both of them are taking 3-4 bottles in a 24 hour period now and to come home, they need to be able to finish 8 bottles (all of their feedings).  Maybe it’s a matter of 2 weeks, maybe 4 – nobody knows. Nurses tell me white boys are the slowest to learn to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time and black girls are the fastest. But once they get it, they get it. So, we just have to wait until they figure it out!

Out little Logan has really filled out – even since I took these pictures 3 days ago, he looks different. His eyes are less puffy and he just seems overall happier now that he isn’t wasting sooo much energy trying to take his nasal cannula off. He sure was hating that thing on his face!

Carter was ahead for a while there (was allowed to have as many as 5 bottles!) but he got tired and they lowered his bottle feedings to 3-4, which gave Logan time to catch up. Now we think they will come home at the same time…

We are even more used to our routines. I spend my days at the NICU and M goes after work. On weekends our parents visit and by the way, they got to hold the boys for the first time this weekend! It was really cool!  I have been back to running the household – cooking and finding time to do all the other little stuff. I think my body is fully adjusted to getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night. I make myself get up in the mornings and start knocking out errands. My goals are to spend lots of time with my kids and to take care of the house, cook, freeze meals, and make sure I am pumping at least 8 times a day. The NICU milk supply called yesterday and said they ran out of room to store my milk, so our deep freezer is now getting fully utilized. Good problem to have! I got at least 2-3 weeks on these boys!

35+3

Sunday night – exhausted after a long day in the NICU (what’s new?).  M and I got there early to learn how to bathe our litter before our parents came over for visits – his at 1 and mine at 2:30. Bathing lesson went well! So amazing to me how different and BIG these kiddos look each day, even to me and I see them daily! Logan and Carter were both super alert during their baths but seemed to enjoy them. M bathed Logan and I bathed Carter. Team work!

Logan also had his very first nutritive feeding today and knew exactly what to do! So proud of our two little boys for their good appetite and more importantly, breathing/eating coordination. The nurses tell us that each feeding at this age is like running a marathon for them. No wonder they pass out within 15 minutes of us starting the feeding. ;-)

Carter is now completely off all breathing support and takes 5 of his 8 feedings by bottle. Going home is just around the corner!!  Logan is still on 1.5L of room air per hour (think of it as a light wind going through his nasal cannula), and as I mentioned just started learning how to eat.

Tuesday will be a rough day for Logan – he has his Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP) screening, which he needs to have done only because of his low birth weight.  Carter won’t need to have that one done. The test itself takes only 5 minutes but entails keeping the eye open with a special device, similar to what they put on me when I had LASIK surgery. Of course, babies hate it and scream at the top of their lungs. I hated it too! So, I hope I will conveniently not be there for it. Although, I never know when the doctors make their rounds…

The biggest topic of the day has been the boys’ chins. Logan (our blondie) has a butt chin like his dad. Carter’s chin is rounded and he has dark hair. I don’t think there is any question about them being fraternal now!!

I got my new pump in the mail!! This is a big deal because the Ameda Purely Yours that my insurance paid for was no good and couldn’t do the job. So, I have been renting the Medela Symphony from the hospital for $29/week and it’s been good but very expensive. Anyway! The pump I got is the Spectra Dew 350, a hospital grade pump that they use in Taiwan. It’s even better than the $700 Medela Symphony pump but only cost me $70 on ebay! Woot! I love it.  Considering I don’t have a baby (or two) to love on at all times, I have taken to pumping as my job and became pretty emotionally attached to my pump.  ;-)

In the pics below, Dad's with Logan and I am with Carter.

34+3 or 17 days old

I woke up this morning and told myself “I got this. I can do this.” If another person tries to screen me for postpartum depression or asks me if I am having suicidal thoughts, I will tell them that these repetitive screens alone make me want to push pencils into my ears. And trust me – I have been screened about four times already (OB, NICU case manager, my work wellness program nurse, other nurse who I suspect was just trying to offer help). While its a real issue and many mothers get PPD, I am not one of them. I am strong and I got this. It just took some time to adjust and to learn to talk to people without breaking down. The rest is just a lot of patience, acceptance, and humility.

Here we are 17 days later and still making small gains. The boys are in a shared twin room in the feeder/grower step down nursery. I am so glad they are together again! Carter is almost in the 4lb club and Logan is already 3lb 1oz. They are starting to look like chubby babies to me, with more than just skin and bones on them. Each diaper change that the nurses allow us to help with seems easier and easier. We even manage to get some laughs in there now too, which is a good sign of life returning to its normal hum. The other day, I was changing Logan while he was in his incubator and he had projectile poop that hit the inside of the clear case wall that was directly in front of my face. Startled by being under attack, I actually jumped back immediately after it hit the incubator. The nurse that was caring for them for the day laughed and said that I would one day miss that incubator – my shield from projectile surprises. :)

Carter now eats 3 of his 8 feedings in a 24 hour period by bottle or at the breast. To go home, he will have to take all 8. Logan is still not ready to try eating, so all of his food continues to go through the OG tube into his tummy. The name of the game for him is to gain weight and catch up right now. 150 more grams to gain before he can be moved from the closed incubator to an open crib. He also still has more oxygen support than Carter, but that will get easier as his lungs grow and can hold more air.

Our parents continue to be the only people we've allowed to have visit us. They bring food, remind us that they are there to help, and love on their grandbabies. Tonight, M and I ventured out to Pure for dinner and it almost gave me sensory overload. It has been SOOO long! I had half of a beer and decided to let M finish the rest. Better safe than sorry when it comes to my milk. ;-)

33+2 - Day 9

33+2 and we're on day 9 of NICU life. A few things to celebrate:

• Brain scans came back normal.
• Carter got moved up to the step down nursery today. He is still on the RAM cannula (2L of oxygen an hour – lowest setting before advancing to the nasal cannula), but at his max feeds for his weight and doing well. Hope he can come home in 2-3 weeks! He is still 3.34 lb – just a tad higher than his birth weight 10 days ago.  Pretty soon, he will be sleeping on a plain mattress instead of the temperature-controlled egg-shaped "bed" that sits on top of the mattress now and imitates the womb. And when that happens, he will be able to wear preemie clothes! 
• Logan is continuing to tolerate his feedings and is being weened off his IV. He's also on 2L of oxygen. After he gets to his max feedings, they may move him upstairs to be in the same room at Carter... He's also getting lipids to help fatten him up a bit, but he's still 2.55 lb – also just a little over his birth weight.
• Didn't cry leaving the hospital for the first time today.
• Learned to accept help and allowed mom to drop off meals at our home for a week now. Starting next week, need to try to manage on our own before Carter or both of them can come home.
• I am off my pain medication and the pain level is more tolerable. I still have many discomforts but just as before - nothing comes close to the emotional turmoil, guilt, feeling like this is all my fault, etc... I give myself until Friday to feel better or I should probably bring this up at my doctors appointment. 

I am still stressing about going back to work after such a short bonding time with the babies after they come home. My hope was that we wouldn't have NICU time and I would spend the 12 weeks of my leave with them at home. Never did I think that driving to the NICU would be a way of life in the beginning. I pump like its my job – every 2-3 hours and try to think positively about things not being worse than they are. Not every NICU parent is as fortunate as us... We've seen some pretty grim circumstances there before and have to remind ourselves to keep a leveled head about everything.

M and I made it a goal to do skin to skin time with each of the boys for at least an hour each day. Its so good for them and helps them feel comforted, regulates their body temperature, pulse, etc... M will be going back to work on Monday and I will need to start driving myself. Tomorrow will be my practice run after nearly 3 weeks of no driving (hospital bed rest + recovery). 

NICU Life - Week 1

It’s been 6 days since our boys arrived. As you probably figured, they are spending their time at the hospital NICU and will be there for 3-5 more weeks due to their prematurity. When you look at the specific challenges that come with prematurity, there are pretty much 4 categories: feeding, respiratory, neurological, and cardio. 

·  Feeding - at birth, they were both fed thru an IV (sugar, protein, fats) and began trophic feeds of breast milk through a tube that goes into their tummy to stimulate digestion. Since then, Carter has advanced to eating my milk alone and is continuing to increase his feeds. Logan is still relying on both, but he's getting weaned off the the IV. We are beginning to try eating at the breast, but their jaw muscles are just going to need some time to get stronger. Learning to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time is a major milestone.

·  Respiratory - they are breathing on their own, but all their respiratory support is designed to help their lungs stay open and make breathing less of an effort so they can use more energy on gaining weight. Still, we have made baby steps in the right direction, advancing from a large scary-looking device called CPAP to a nasal cannula which looks like 2 little tubes going into their noses. Occasionally, preemies forget to breathe (this is called apnea) because they wouldn't have to do that if they were still in utero, so to help them remember, they get small doses of caffeine. 

·  Neurological - the effects of prematurity on the brain will not be fully known for a long time. Things like cerebral palsy and autism get diagnosed later in life when preemies are not hitting their "adjusted age" milestones (they are 8 weeks premature, so their adjusted age is -8 weeks and will be 0 when they are 8 weeks old). However, we do have an ultrasound of the brain scheduled for Sept 13^th at 34+1 which will tell us if there is any bleeding in the brain.

·  Cardio - the main issue with heart prematurity is occasional decelerations in the pulse (this is bradycardia). Sometimes, they are caused by apnea (forgetting to breathe), sometime the baby just gets too comfortable in their sleep and needs to be patted or rubbed to get their heart rate up.  This is a typical preemie issue and is a prime example of why there are 2 babies to each nurse at the NICU - they really do need extremely close monitoring before they grow out of these issues.

Before they can come home, they don't need to be a certain weight, but they do need to 1) maintain their body temperature on their own, 2) suck/swallow/breathe without help for 8 feedings a day, and 3) breathe room air. As of now, all the issues I explained above are typical and expected - nothing is permanent as far as we know today. But it’s a lot to take in for new parents and comes with a heavy emotional toll.  We have been so lucky to have a ton of support around us - from you guys, our families, from my moms of multiples club, and from the hospital preemie group. We also have an amazing team of nurses who take care of our boys. They are all extremely diligent and treat each child as if they were their own. All the nurses have commented that Logan and Carter are equally feisty and will be a lot of fun down the road.

I am sure within a week, the lifestyle of daily trips to the NICU will be second nature for us. For now, we just have to celebrate the baby steps we have made & put one foot in front of the other every morning. We are optimistic that our little guys are fighters and will soon be coming home with us. Each day is a milestone when it’s your child... 

We now get why people told us that life of a NICU parent is a rollercoaster – you have good days and you have not so good days with setbacks.  Two steps forward, one step back. One would think that in a way a parent of a NICU baby would get to “rest” more, but while we don’t know any different, I can tell you that this is the most testing time of our lives.

I made it my priority to establish my milk supply as soon as possible and thankfully that hasn't been an issue. I continue to impress all the lactation consultants that come to visit, but it comes at a cost of pumping every 2 hours around the clock.  M has been my main caretaker this entire time and frequently got up at night with me to help. Even now at 5 days postpartum, he still has more on his plate than ever. It’s almost like we’re dealing with all the same challenges of parenting as other people, but our family is still not 100% complete. It will be that way until the boys get to come home one day when they are ready. With NICU babies, there is also the separation anxiety of coming, going, calling nurses for updates, etc. I am tired of hearing everyone from nurses to doctors to case managers telling me that my risks of postpartum depression are greater than other people. It’s not something I can control and we will need to be strong for them together. 


Logan has dirty blonde hair and Carter has dark brown hair. Both of them have deep blue eyes.

Birth Story

It has been 5 days since my last post and 5 days since my boys were born via C-Section.   Ironically, after I was reassured that baby B still didn't have reverse end diastolic flow during the morning Doppler, he started having decelerations (in his pulse) on the monitors and instead of my 2 one-hour monitoring sessions, I was on the monitor pretty much 24/7. At some point in early afternoon, my doctor came in and said we are in that gray area of delivering or waiting and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to wait – a part of me begged that we would make it at least another week, that these boys would grow just a little bit more, that risks of scary preemie issues would be reduced, etc.  My doctor pursed his lips and told me he was thinking about delivering me but respected my maternal instinct to wait. I continued on 24/7 monitoring into late evening hours. M was by my bedside and wasn't going to leave me at night. I was emotionally unstable, cried almost nonstop, and was terrified of all the unknowns. The plan was to repeat my Doppler in the morning if baby B was not going to have any more of these decelerations that lasted over a minute and deprived him of oxygen.

But he did… and by then, we came to terms with the fact that for him, being on the outside was better than on the inside. I blamed myself for his failing cord and for being in that predicament, but I somehow found the strength take a 5 minute shower and psych myself into delivering that night, remembering all the things that needed to happen. I don’t know how I would have done it without watching M be strong by my side – he has a way of calming me down without really even doing anything. He just has to be calm and rational & somehow it can make me feel a lot better although every cell in my body is in a state of complete chaos.

I was wheeled to the OR with M in toe. While the epidural was being administered to my back, I got extremely nauseous from fear and threw up. It wasn’t my favorite part of the whole thing. There was no time for me to fast before surgery like you’re supposed to. Modesty over my body had to go out the window: I was manipulated like a piece of steak on a butcher’s block – one nurse was putting in a catheter, another nurse was doing another non-stress test on the babies and monitoring any contractions, the IV nurse was giving me a loading dose of magnesium, which thankfully I remembered to remind them about. I didn’t need it for me, but studies show that magnesium administered right before labor offered neurological protection to the babies. My doctor agreed and said “Thanks for the reminder!”.  Someone else was putting a hair net on me and anesthesiology was asking me my name, DOB, and other questions to check if I was responding well to the anesthetic. Things were happening fast!!  Just 30 minutes ago, my doctor was on speakerphone in my room with us while he himself was back at home.  Pretty soon, time warped and I was gripping to M’s hand as I felt pressure and pulling sensations reaching all the way up to my ribs. A blood splatter landed on the top part of the curtain that ran across my abdomen to keep M and I from seeing everything. Something behind the curtain was beeping and I had to throw up again. I was so embarrassed, but thankfully I had already emptied my stomach back in the other room when my epidural was administered. This was just adrenaline trying to find a way out of my body.  

Soon, we heard they were ready to deliver baby A and seconds later we heard a high pitched cry that Carter made as he was instantly whisked away to a corner of the large room we were in by a team of nurses, a neonatologist, a respiratory specialist, and slew of other personnel dressed in blue sterile jumpsuits. In another corner, the second team was waiting. One of them was waiting for baby B to bring him back to that corner. A minute later, another equally as high-pitched but healthy cry came from Logan. M and I held our breaths as we looked at each other. I told him not to sit with me but to go to them and to remember to take pictures. I knew I may not see these boys until 12 hours or more from now and pictures would be all I have to live with. M went to Logan first as we had more concerns about his well-being – after all it was because of him that we delivered that night. Apparently, M impressed everyone in the OR as he was recognizing the short abbreviations of necessary equipment that was being attached to the twins. I had buzzed in his ears for weeks about what everything was called and what it looked like, as I was starting to accept the reality of NICU parenting even then. Apgar scores were being called out. Logan’s were 8 at 1 minute and 9 at 5 minutes, which was impressive to us all things considered. Carter’s were 5 and 9. M popped back over to me briefly and told me everything looks ok so far. Both boys were put on CPAP and whisked away to the NICU. Soon enough, I was being wheeled to recovery. M never got to say bye to me and I hoped he knew I was gone and that I was ok. He had seen me in enough pain that day that I could tell watching me go through it was hurting him just the same, though he tried not to show it.

Armed with peace of mind, I was being checked by nurses in recovery every so often, but spent most of my time counting minutes until I would be wheeled back to my hospital room where I would be reunited with M and our parents who were already on the way. I knew I had to lay there  for 2 hours and those hours proved to be the toughest yet, because next to me was an empty isolate and a curtain away was a mother with a 9lb crying infant and she was talking to him and comforting him. It stung so bad to hear someone else have a joyful, happy birth experience while mine was full of fear, tears, and stress like I never felt in my entire life. I didn’t exactly picture it that way! The nurses attending to me were cold and to the point, not compassionate like the nurses back at HRP (High Risk Perinatal) where I spent most of my hospital bed rest. The numbness of my body was a stark contrast from the emotional hurt and fear I was feeling.

M popped his head in through the curtain. He was no longer wearing his sterile blue jumpsuit and hair cover. I was SOO relieved to see him! As soon as he saw me crying, he understood why. The people behind the curtain were loud with their baby and not only that, but they were Alabama Roll Tide fans and he was annoyed with them almost immediately. In his hands was a folder with pictures of our boys that the hospital provided, a set of footprints, and stats. M also took photos with his phone and made a few videos to last me until the next day, when I could get up and see them myself.

11:41pm. Carter Lee (baby A) 3lb 6oz, 16.5 inches

11:42pm. Logan James (baby B) 2lb 7oz, 15.5 inches

Shortly after, I was moved to my room and parents came in to congratulate us. We finally revealed the names to them all together and showed them the few photos we had. Everyone in the room was emotional. I looked like complete crap by then after a long day of crying. A colony of pimples appeared across my chin. But I didn’t care about any of that. I was having an out of body experience. It finally started to feel like a happy experience and I drank in every photo and footprint. After parents left, it was about 4am and my nurse had to go through admission papers with me. About an hour of that and I still hadn't tried to pump and though I wanted to sleep so badly, I asked her to bring me a breast pump and I needed to start working. It was the only thing I could do to help my boys grow now that they were under the NICU care. M went there to check on them and brought back more snapshots. It was hard to see much baby under all the monitors and tubes and blankets/hats that they seemed to be swimming in. I just couldn't get over the fact that they were THAT small. I guess that growth scan was more or less accurate. Not much fat on them to throw those estimates off. Skin, bones, and a little bit of hair – Logan’s blonde and Carter’s dark brown… but it was all ours and no matter how they looked, we were ready to do anything in the world for them and knew that from this point forward, they were going to be the most important people in our lives.

32 weeks!

Our bodies and minds are resilient and incredible at adapting to any hardships or curveballs life throws at us. Just on Monday I was so broken about the growth scan, it seemed to me like I would spend the next 2 weeks in a state of teary-eyed sleepy depression, but I recovered and am back to being positive and hopeful. I continue trying to prepare for other challenges still ahead, for example getting to leave the hospital without my boys… They give me 30 min of “wheelchair privileges” a day here, so when M or my parents come by to see me, they take me outside for 30 minutes to sit by the main fountain in front of L&D drop off/pick up zone and we watch other families take their babies home. It’s tough knowing that when we go home, the two baby carseats will remain unoccupied, but as long as I set that expectation with myself now it will be easier when that time comes.

I am 32 weeks today! This was my first goal when I first checked into the hospital. I am that much closer to 34 now! Hard to believe that M and I will get to meet our precious little cargo in 14 days…

Absent End Diastolic Flow, Disappointing Growth Scan, and The Wait

When we decided to start a family, we couldn't have imagined the bumps in the road and sharp turns that this journey would take us through. As I type this, I am 31 weeks and 5 days (31+5) pregnant with twin boys (I was completely wrong in my predictions about genders!) and on strict hospital bed rest since 30+5.

30 Weeks, 5 Days

At one of what became my “routine” Doppler ultrasounds, at 30+5, the Low End Diastolic Flow turned to Absent End Diastolic Flow (AEDF). That means that when my heart was at rest in between beats, our Baby B wasn’t getting any reserve blood with oxygen and nutrients at all and that would further slow down his growth. I was devastated… The concern in the doctor’s eyes told me this wasn’t something to be taken lightly. I was handed a yellow envelope with my results and told to report to Labor and Delivery at the hospital asap. I called M in tears and asked him to drive me as it didn’t sound like my car would have a driver to return it back home from the hospital. At least not for a while. And that is how my hospital bed rest started….

Growth Scan: 31+4

Today is day 8 on strict hospital bed rest. Following the first week, just after I had adjusted to my new home and stopped working (the clock on my 12 week maternity leave at work has started to tick), things had to get more challenging.  Yesterday was probably the single most difficult day this entire pregnancy that I’ve had to endure. It’s been 3 weeks since our 28 week growth scan and it was time to see how much our little twinkies had grown. I was sooo optimistic going into it. I had been eating like a beast, drinking protein shakes any minute that I wasn’t shoving food in my mouth (I even drank a shake at night when I got up to use the restroom), and I had been on bed rest. Of course, I was wishing for our boys to be at least over 3lb each – not setting completely unreal expectations.

After the growth scan, I learned that Baby A caught up from 15% last time to 20% and weighed 3lb 4oz, but Baby B dropped further in his growth – from 15% to 10% and weighed 2lb 10oz. There was a ~18% discordance between their weights because this cord flow issue slowed down B’s growth so much. Their stomachs also continued to measure a couple weeks behind and remained on the 4% curve. I kept it together during the growth scan and kept it together as I made my calls my M, my mom, and Lee. But when I took a shower, I sobbed so hard that I saw stars all around me. The brief moment of privacy that I had in the hospital was my daily shower and I used every minute of it to let as much of my hurt out and cry it out of me. I was exhausted, scared, terrified, stressed, disappointed… I felt like I failed.

At this pace, we need to accept that Baby B will be diagnosed with IUGR (intra-uterine growth restriction) at birth and will spend the first 2 years of his life catching up. That means hitting milestones later and hopefully not having too much trouble growing and gaining weight!

As part of coping with the idea of having preemies, I started reading a lot and researching information about NICU equipment, following message boards for parents of NICU babies, and being vocal about our news with online support groups. I know that when I look back on this time after the boys arrive, it will seem like it was the easy part…  We just need to have hope and take it one day at a time.

I am being monitored very closely here. Each morning I get a Doppler ultrasound to check the AEDF and make sure it has not advanced to Reverse End Diastolic Flow (REDF), which is when the blood that is pumped to the placenta and the baby via his cord during my heartbeat is going back to the placenta without ever reaching the baby during times between beats. If unaddressed, it can lead to stillbirth. So, if they were to see REDF on my morning Doppler I would have a C-section in a matter of hours. As you can imagine, I spend my mornings laying wide awake in my hospital bed waiting and when I see the Doppler graph on the ultrasound, I say a little prayer the best way I can (M and I aren’t religious) to ask for another day… It’s the hardest, most tormenting wait of my life. And the outcome of the wait only gives peace of mind for the next 24 hours.

28 Weeks

The first bumps in the road shook what seemed like our perfect world at a routine 28 week growth scan. Both boys were measuring smaller on the growth curve than in prior scans – dropping off from 35% (18 weeks) to 25% (25 weeks) and at 28 weeks, down to 15%. More alarming was that their abdominal circumference, one of the three measurements used in estimating weight (head circumference and femur bone length being the other two), was only in the 4^th %. That means that only 4% of all fetuses of the same gestational age have smaller abdominal measurements than my boys!  In addition, baby B’s heart Doppler came back abnormal – this is a special type of ultrasound that shows the volume and direction of blood traveling through the umbilical cord and is an important influencing factor on how much oxygen/nutrients (carried by blood) the baby is getting. Therefore, it could partially explain why baby B was a bit smaller than A (2lb 1oz vs 2lb 4 oz). He had what’s called Low End Diastolic Flow (LEDF). A little lesson on how the placenta works in relation to the mother’s heart:  when my heart is beating, blood is pumped to the twins’ placentas (systolic flow) and when my heart is at rest in between beats, the reserve blood that was left in the vessels continues to flow to the placentas/cords just at a slower rate (diastolic flow). Picture turning the water faucet on and off real fast – even when it’s in the off position, some leftover water will still be coming out – that’s diastolic cord flow. What LEDF meant for our baby B was that he just wasn’t getting as much excess flow in between beats as he should have been. It was an early warning (yellow flag) that something was not working as it should in the placenta.  Thankfully, my boys are di/di twins meaning they are in separate sacks and have separate placentas, so each could be treated almost as a separate pregnancy.

The doctors were trying to keep us calm about the overwhelming amount of scary and new information hitting us like ricochet bullets. I was immediately strapped on to the non-stress test machine (“on the monitor”) to see if the babies were in distress and if their heartbeat patterns were indicative of any other issues. Of course, the stress and crying brought on a wave of Brackston Hicks contractions and I felt like I was barely holding on to my sanity and could lose grip at any moment. A panel of blood tests were run to rule out preeclampsia, a high blood pressure condition during pregnancy. Everything came back normal… The doctors explained that this is a relatively new issue that they were able to identify in the last 5-10 years in multiples pregnancies, which meant they didn’t know a whole lot about root causes or how to treat it. I was sent home on strict home bedrest, with orders to start counting calories to make sure I hit 2,500 kcal a day with 150 grams of protein minimum.  I was also to return to the office twice a week for ongoing Doppler studies on baby B’s cord flow.

And just like that, 2 weeks of dreaded home bed rest went by while B’s diastolic cord flow remained low. M took care of me, the pets, cooked, did laundry, etc.  I thought back then how hard it was to be confined to a bed all day for someone who used to be so active and ran a household in perfect routine order. I had to let go of my control freak antics and get over how M folded laundry and how he loaded the dishwasher. Those little things seem so trivial now, but back then they were a total thorn in my side! I was still working from home on my laptop, so it was a welcomed distraction from googling LEDF risks.

At 29 weeks, M and I had our “practice run” to the Labor & Delivery unit due to frequent contractions that just wouldn’t slow down. We had a FFN (fetal fibronectin) test done which tells the doctors if the protein that holds the sacks attached to the uterine walls is breaking down and leaking out. This test is an indicator of whether the body is preparing to go into labor in the next 2 weeks and is 99% accurate. For me, it was negative which was good. I got a shot of terbutaline, a soft tissue relaxer, to knock out contractions + 2 bags of fluids via IV and we were back home within 4 hours.  Since that trip, frequent contractions have been the norm even with home bed rest – I just knew my small torso was struggling to accommodate 2 growing boys and every little kick from one of them sometimes was enough to trigger a wave of uncomfortable uterine contractions. 

Recap of Weeks 18-28

In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t stopped blogging when I was 18 weeks along. Weeks 18-28 practically flew by uneventfully. I finally started to gain weight, we went to Destin, FL for another short vacation with family. It took us for-ever, but M and I finally agreed on 2 boy names that we could both tolerate. Neither one of us got our first pick, but now that they have been decided for a while, I just can’t think of the twins as anything other than the names we picked. They just fit!

About 3 weeks of pregnancy were spent on painting and decorating the nursery. The Winnie the Pooh design I had carefully crafted early on was scrapped and we went with an animal safari theme. I did all the painting which was painfully tedious and took what felt like years to complete, but I am so glad I did it… M installed the crown molding in the nursery and it looks beautiful – his first attempt at it too! Our mothers threw a fantastic shower and our friends have made my heart melt with thoughtful, generous, and truly touching gifts. We unveiled the nursery to everyone along with the first letter of each boy’s name (their names are painted above the cribs) – L and C.  Nobody was allowed to guess! ;-)

  

As my belly grew, I found myself on the receiving end of Jessica’s and Preeti’s maternity wardrobes – both of which fit and saved us a lot of money. My neighbor and good friend Shaney has showered me with lots of stuff her boys grew out of and again, I felt humbled taking or borrowing something from people without offering much in return. This pregnancy taught me to have a bigger heart and taught me that life changing events really do forge stronger bonds between people. When M and I got married, true friends were clear to us. Now being pregnant, it’s even more obvious that the circle of people we’re surrounded by is truly special and nothing to be taken for granted.

16 1/2 Weeks & 2 Days Away from Anatomy Scan

The last time I wrote was before we went to beautiful Aruba for our 3 year wedding anniversary and our “babymoon”… It was a fantastic trip! M got to take a few maternity pictures of me with the sunset on the beach in the background. We went snorkeling and drank fruity beach drinks (virgin drinks for me of course) but it was pretty cool to get away. I won’t lie – some mornings were pretty rough for me and I got sick a lot. Heartburn and headaches are still my vices, which will probably be here to stay for the rest of this pregnancy!  On a positive note, it was nice to finally look pregnant and I had a few complete strangers ask me when I was due, which was cool. It meant that they knew for sure that it was a baby bump and not a pot belly. J

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and my parents and in-laws came over for Sunday lunch. We all exchanged flowers and gifts and Lee, mom, and I talked about the baby shower. The “grandmothers-to-be” are planning a big shower for me and inviting all family & friends. It will be in late July, when I am 27 weeks. I need to finish the nursery by then, so we can do a nursery reveal to share your room with everyone. Of course, I am counting HOURS until Tuesday (tomorrow!) at 1:30pm when we go in for our anatomy scan and hopefully get to find out your genders. So, you better cooperate! ;-)   As I have said before, our main wish is just to have 2 healthy little beans. We welcome any gender combination…

I have been feeling ok lately – no major complaints except the normal pregnancy symptoms. Sometimes my back hurts, sometimes by head, sometimes I have all symptoms at once and feel miserable, but other times I have none at all and think for a second that I am normal. But I have not felt any kicks yet. I felt some flutters here and there, but nothing that I could with 100% certainty say was a kick. The doctor told me that’s normal and I should start feeling movement around 18-20 weeks. I can’t wait… So much to look forward to!  So far I only gained some 4-5 pounds – from 112 pre-pregnancy to 116 on a normal day. I am not sure where the weight is to account for this belly bump, but I would imagine its all baby weight. Again, the doctor tells me to wait and that this is normal, but I always have to remind myself to eat. I just have no appetite and food is still not as enjoyable as it was pre-pregnancy. 

My favorite pictures from Aruba:

13 Weeks!

Another milestone down!  With our first trimester screening results looking healthy and another ultrasound down, we are looking forward to our vacation (“babymoon” – like honeymoon, but a trip you take before the babies arrive) and some relaxation!

At this point, we have also told the news to all of our friends, family, and even posted on facebook! Everyone is of course overjoyed for us. People who already have twins welcome us to the “twins club”… 

This society just seems fascinated with twins, like it’s some supernatural phenomena.  :-)    

3D picture of you both snuggled up together

12 Weeks!

Sorry I haven’t written for 3 weeks! I have been tired, sleepy, more nauseous than ever before, and just uncomfortable in general. I had a week-long business trip to Chicago at 10 weeks and spilled my beans (literally) to my co-workers and my boss. Everyone was so nice and offered to do things for me, like moving my chair across the room. One of my co-workers, Michael, even got you guys a baby book of tongue twisters about the Fox in The Sox. It was so sweet! During that trip, I also shoveled food onto my plate every chance I got and ate it all. I also supplemented with protein shakes all day since it’s easier to drink your calories than to eat them when you’re trying to gain weight. 

But here we are at almost 12 weeks and I have a visible bump now, but still weigh 113 pounds! I just don’t get it – every day I eat SOOO much more than I used to eat pre-pregnancy and I don’t  burn my calories during intense exercise anymore. It’s pretty much down to walks in the park with Chaser at this point. I guess gaining weight is much harder than I thought!  According to my twin book, I should have gained close to 15 pounds by now, but I just don’t see how that would be possible. I can only hope my appetite revs up as I get into 2^nd trimester and I can actually gain some fat. So far, everything I am eating seems to go straight to my 2 little beans.

Technically, each of you is the size of a lime this week. But you’ll always be my little beans. J  We can’t wait for our first trimester screening and the next ultrasounds – both in 2 days!  They might even be able to guess your genders then!

Almost 9 Weeks!

Well the time just ticks on by week by week. M and I are wrapping up our trip in Las Vegas and I am ready to come home. Never thought I’d get tired of Sin City, but these two little beans are wearing me out. I take naps during the day, so I can stay up until 11:30pm (if I am lucky). Even though I usually eat something before going to bed at nearly midnight, I wake up at 7:30am so hungry I could eat cardboard. The hunger makes me feel a little nauseous and the combined hungry/sick feeling carries me out of bed and to a nearby café to get food. At home, I can just go to the kitchen, eat something, and go back to bed. On vacation, I almost need to stash some snacks in the room, so I can sleep in. I suppose if that’s the worst of my pregnancy symptoms, then I don’t have it bad at all. Two more days until my little beans are 9 weeks old!

Double the Good News!

It’s been two days since M and I have been absorbing the shocking, yet blissful news that our “little bean” is after all TWO little beans!!!  Sitting together in the ultrasound room in complete stupor, looking at the monitor and listening to two strong heartbeats made this real for us.

Each, just a tiny ½ of an inch long and yet 2 strong hearts beating away at 150 beats per minute!  It was the most beautiful sound to hear!  As the pictures on the right suggest, from now on you guys are not “beans” (although you are each the size of a kidney bean now) as far as our doctors are concerned, but Baby A and Baby B.

You should have seen M’s facial expression when I said out loud as soon as the first image came on the screen: “Is that TWINS?!”   He was literally picking up his jaw from the floor. 

  

While I thought I might have read enough baby books and prepared myself enough by making a baby registry and designing the nursery, I left the doctor feeling like I am in no way prepared anymore. Back to square one!! Now, it’s all about the Mothers of Multiples Club, parents of twins message boards online, and all about twin books. We are scared, but thrilled! We can do it!

The doctor won’t let me go past 38 weeks and over 50% of all twins don’t even make it to 37 weeks before birth, so chances are we’ll get to meet you guys in late September / early October! Now, the guessing game begins about the gender. Girl/Boy fraternal twins are the most common, but I have a suspicion that you are both little girls. We’ll see if my instinct is right!  I claimed that I had a feeling about there being two of you, but M doesn’t seem to believe me! So, I am putting my gender prediction in writing! Never discount a mother’s instincts! J

I still haven’t gained any weight really. I eat the same amount as before. 8 weeks along and 112.5 pounds with a flat tummy!  As I type this, M and I are sitting on a plane on the way to Las Vegas for a long weekend and I plan to get plenty of pool time. I bought some maternity clothes in case I blow up all the sudden and need to take them on this trip, but I packed some sexy “party” clothes instead because 1) they fit the same and 2) they will be missed for a long time when you two start growing & competing for space in this tummy!  :-)

Four More Days to the First Ultrasound! Eeee!

My morning sickness has been gone the last few days and I haven’t woken up at night as much, so I feel lucky. I still have some food aversions – the sight and smell of deli cuts or even raw poultry or fish is grossing me out. I ate some chicken nuggets last night in a wrap and that went down easy, but overall just trying to avoid meat right now. It’s all about veggies, crackers, eggs, beans, and soup. Sometimes I wish I had the morning sickness back, so I could feel pregnant and not worry. Thankfully I only have 4 more days to wait!!

PS – I think you’re a girl. I felt that way for weeks and we won’t know for sure until 18-20 weeks (late May – early June), but I just have a feeling.

Countdown to the First Ultrasound

You’re almost a blueberry (7 weeks) but I still like to think of you as my little “bean” – hope you don’t mind. It’s a term of endearment. :-)

We are getting closer to March 13^th – our first ultrasound and appointment. I just hope it will only be good news and feel secretly scared to think otherwise.

This past week, I have definitely been feeling differently than before. My middle of the night trips to the bathroom are more frequent, I am nauseous in the mornings and randomly throughout the day… I also crave something one minute, then go to get it and before I can even take a bite I instantly feel disgusted by it. Lemon water and pomegranates are my friends – these 2 things I can always stomach.  On Sunday, I ate pizza for all of my meals (and that means you did too – sorry!).

M and I have started kicking around ideas on what to name you. M is so picky! He is much pickier than me.  I think if you’re a boy, we are really going to struggle to agree on names. We barely agree on the two boy names we have now!!  

Telling the Parents & Nursery Designs

Well, we are not even 6 weeks along yet, but the nursery design is 100% complete with paint, furniture, and décor all picked out!  When you get to know me in the many years to come, you will understand how much of a planner I am. When I get excited about something, I go into full on attack mode with measuring, sketching, pinning ideas on Pinterest, emailing stuff to myself, you name it!

The other exciting news is we finally let the cat out of the bag with our parents. Of course both were utterly thrilled for us! My mom cried and M’s was not far behind. Now it seems that’s all they ever email/talk about! 

The Wait

The wait certainly goes on. No news is good news, I suppose! I have figured out the secret to sleeping without cramps at night – having a glass of milk before bed. Speaking of sleep, I easily sleep for 12 hours a night.  Around 9:30pm, I get ready to turn the light off – this is so out of character for me, but I listen to my body! And this is the kind of sleep that bears go into when they hibernate for the winter.

Our first ultrasound couldn’t come soon enough! Its 3 full weeks from today! Ahhh…

Now, I am obsessed with planning your little nursery room. I am thinking Winnie the Pooh – it’s a sweet cartoon that even I watched growing up, plus its gender neutral.

Telling Someone Finally

Well today was certainly an exciting Sunday! After faking my way through a virgin strawberry daiquiri last night, I was ecstatic to tell a friend about our news today when I had my girlfriends over. My BFF was so excited for us! It was a huge weight off my shoulders and nobody even questioned my pink mocktail with a lime! Sneaky sneaks.

M and I made plans to tell our parents next weekend. Wait, did I already tell you that? Well, I have baby brain to blame now. I really hope this news will encourage mom to at least try to quit smoking. I can't remember the last time she felt like 100%; seems like something is always bothering her. They come over Friday night - 4 more LONG days to wait! We will tell M's parents on Sunday and Saturday we are splitting up for guys and girls night. I plan to tell another friend that day! They say the general rule is: don't tell anyone you're pregnant, unless you're willing to tell them you're miscarrying... Sorry my little bean, I am just terrified of losing you - my biggest fear in life in right now!

I am so wiped out right now, after cooking all day, entertaining, and clean up! It's only 9pm, but it seems to be my new standard bedtime each night now. Last night, we went to the movies with Matt and Christina. M got tipsy and the three of them goofballs wanted to go to a bar, so I drove us there, where they proceeded to have more drinks. We left by 11pm, but to me it felt like 3am. Last night was also the first night that I needed Tylenol to go back to sleep when my lower tummy cramps woke me up... Hopefully they won't be as bad tonight because I am tired!! Thankfully I did yoga this morning; stretching out my sore limbs helped. Kind of interesting to be the most muscular girl in the yoga class, but yet one of the newest and least coordinated people in the class. It's a new kind of challenge for me! I wish I never stopped when I got good at it about a year ago...

Valentine’s Day Celebration!

Well, my little bean (actually you’re a poppyseed right now, not even big enough to be a bean!) – today M and I are celebrating the Day of Love and what better gift to give each other than a gift of life (you!). Not to sound corny or anything, but we have been waiting to share this moment for so long!

The lines on my pregnancy tests are getting darker as you grow. Last night, I could hardly sleep as I had major cramps in my abdomen – the uterus growing and stretching to ready itself for a growing embryo. So exciting!  The cramps won’t stop me from exercising though. As I type this, Chaser is circling me and whimpering, demanding to be taken for a jog. So, off we go in a few!

I just can’t WAIT to tell our parents about the news. Not a soul knows so far besides M and I. We were sitting in bed last night looking at creative ways to tell the parents we are expecting you. So, we finally agreed to give them a “I love my grandparents” decorative picture frame with a letter from you framed inside… M is making me wait until you’re at least 7-8 weeks, but it’s already so hard. Mom is my best friend and I tell her everything, so to keep this from her especially while she’s been the shoulder to cry on through all of our trying to conceive just kills me.  I want to tell my friends too! My BFF told me she was pregnant at just 7 weeks! 

Just Found Out!

Today is Wednesday, February 13^th and this is the 2^nd day that M and I are enjoying our recent news of being pregnant with our first! I wish I could say that this was an easy journey, but it really wasn't. After 3 months on fertility medication, I was jumping for joy when that second line appeared on the pregnancy test. I even took another one in case the first one was a dud. Although I would have loved to tell M the news in a more planned way, I could hardly contain the excitement. So, I rushed downstairs and told him. We hugged in embrace and I had tears rolling out of my eyes. I really hope nothing bad happens now and keeps us from experiencing an even bigger type of joy, come late October!

When I came home from work on that day, M bought me “pregnancy flowers” just because he is so sweet like that & loves me more than I know. I found my mind constantly wondering during the day and was reading message boards and other helpful information online. Occasionally, I would take out my phone with pictures of the pregnancy test and look at them for a few seconds, just to convince myself that it’s not a dream.