34+3 or 17 days old

I woke up this morning and told myself “I got this. I can do this.” If another person tries to screen me for postpartum depression or asks me if I am having suicidal thoughts, I will tell them that these repetitive screens alone make me want to push pencils into my ears. And trust me – I have been screened about four times already (OB, NICU case manager, my work wellness program nurse, other nurse who I suspect was just trying to offer help). While its a real issue and many mothers get PPD, I am not one of them. I am strong and I got this. It just took some time to adjust and to learn to talk to people without breaking down. The rest is just a lot of patience, acceptance, and humility.

Here we are 17 days later and still making small gains. The boys are in a shared twin room in the feeder/grower step down nursery. I am so glad they are together again! Carter is almost in the 4lb club and Logan is already 3lb 1oz. They are starting to look like chubby babies to me, with more than just skin and bones on them. Each diaper change that the nurses allow us to help with seems easier and easier. We even manage to get some laughs in there now too, which is a good sign of life returning to its normal hum. The other day, I was changing Logan while he was in his incubator and he had projectile poop that hit the inside of the clear case wall that was directly in front of my face. Startled by being under attack, I actually jumped back immediately after it hit the incubator. The nurse that was caring for them for the day laughed and said that I would one day miss that incubator – my shield from projectile surprises. :)

Carter now eats 3 of his 8 feedings in a 24 hour period by bottle or at the breast. To go home, he will have to take all 8. Logan is still not ready to try eating, so all of his food continues to go through the OG tube into his tummy. The name of the game for him is to gain weight and catch up right now. 150 more grams to gain before he can be moved from the closed incubator to an open crib. He also still has more oxygen support than Carter, but that will get easier as his lungs grow and can hold more air.

Our parents continue to be the only people we've allowed to have visit us. They bring food, remind us that they are there to help, and love on their grandbabies. Tonight, M and I ventured out to Pure for dinner and it almost gave me sensory overload. It has been SOOO long! I had half of a beer and decided to let M finish the rest. Better safe than sorry when it comes to my milk. ;-)