33+2 - Day 9

33+2 and we're on day 9 of NICU life. A few things to celebrate:

• Brain scans came back normal.
• Carter got moved up to the step down nursery today. He is still on the RAM cannula (2L of oxygen an hour – lowest setting before advancing to the nasal cannula), but at his max feeds for his weight and doing well. Hope he can come home in 2-3 weeks! He is still 3.34 lb – just a tad higher than his birth weight 10 days ago.  Pretty soon, he will be sleeping on a plain mattress instead of the temperature-controlled egg-shaped "bed" that sits on top of the mattress now and imitates the womb. And when that happens, he will be able to wear preemie clothes! 
• Logan is continuing to tolerate his feedings and is being weened off his IV. He's also on 2L of oxygen. After he gets to his max feedings, they may move him upstairs to be in the same room at Carter... He's also getting lipids to help fatten him up a bit, but he's still 2.55 lb – also just a little over his birth weight.
• Didn't cry leaving the hospital for the first time today.
• Learned to accept help and allowed mom to drop off meals at our home for a week now. Starting next week, need to try to manage on our own before Carter or both of them can come home.
• I am off my pain medication and the pain level is more tolerable. I still have many discomforts but just as before - nothing comes close to the emotional turmoil, guilt, feeling like this is all my fault, etc... I give myself until Friday to feel better or I should probably bring this up at my doctors appointment. 

I am still stressing about going back to work after such a short bonding time with the babies after they come home. My hope was that we wouldn't have NICU time and I would spend the 12 weeks of my leave with them at home. Never did I think that driving to the NICU would be a way of life in the beginning. I pump like its my job – every 2-3 hours and try to think positively about things not being worse than they are. Not every NICU parent is as fortunate as us... We've seen some pretty grim circumstances there before and have to remind ourselves to keep a leveled head about everything.

M and I made it a goal to do skin to skin time with each of the boys for at least an hour each day. Its so good for them and helps them feel comforted, regulates their body temperature, pulse, etc... M will be going back to work on Monday and I will need to start driving myself. Tomorrow will be my practice run after nearly 3 weeks of no driving (hospital bed rest + recovery).