When we decided to start a family, we couldn't have imagined
the bumps in the road and sharp turns that this journey would take us through.
As I type this, I am 31 weeks and 5 days (31+5) pregnant with twin boys (I was
completely wrong in my predictions about genders!) and on strict hospital bed
rest since 30+5.
30 Weeks, 5 Days
At one of what became my “routine” Doppler ultrasounds, at
30+5, the Low End Diastolic Flow turned to Absent End Diastolic Flow (AEDF).
That means that when my heart was at rest in between beats, our Baby B wasn’t
getting any reserve blood with oxygen
and nutrients at all and that would
further slow down his growth. I was devastated… The concern in the doctor’s
eyes told me this wasn’t something to be taken lightly. I was handed a yellow
envelope with my results and told to report to Labor and Delivery at the
hospital asap. I called M in tears and asked him to drive me as it didn’t sound
like my car would have a driver to return it back home from the hospital. At
least not for a while. And that is how my hospital bed rest started….
Growth Scan: 31+4
Today is day 8 on strict hospital bed rest. Following the
first week, just after I had adjusted to my new home and stopped working (the clock
on my 12 week maternity leave at work has started to tick), things had to get
more challenging. Yesterday was probably
the single most difficult day this entire pregnancy that I’ve had to endure. It’s
been 3 weeks since our 28 week growth scan and it was time to see how much our
little twinkies had grown. I was sooo optimistic going into it. I had been
eating like a beast, drinking protein shakes any minute that I wasn’t shoving
food in my mouth (I even drank a shake at night when I got up to use the
restroom), and I had been on bed rest. Of course, I was wishing for our boys to
be at least over 3lb each – not setting completely unreal expectations.
After the growth scan, I learned that Baby A caught up from
15% last time to 20% and weighed 3lb 4oz, but Baby B dropped further in his
growth – from 15% to 10% and weighed 2lb 10oz. There was a ~18% discordance
between their weights because this cord flow issue slowed down B’s growth so
much. Their stomachs also continued to measure a couple weeks behind and
remained on the 4% curve. I kept it together during the growth scan and kept it
together as I made my calls my M, my mom, and Lee. But when I took a shower, I
sobbed so hard that I saw stars all around me. The brief moment of privacy that
I had in the hospital was my daily shower and I used every minute of it to let
as much of my hurt out and cry it out of me. I was exhausted, scared,
terrified, stressed, disappointed… I felt like I failed.
At this pace, we need to accept that Baby B will be
diagnosed with IUGR (intra-uterine growth restriction) at birth and will spend
the first 2 years of his life catching up. That means hitting milestones later
and hopefully not having too much trouble growing and gaining weight!
As part of coping with the idea of having preemies, I
started reading a lot and researching information about NICU equipment,
following message boards for parents of NICU babies, and being vocal about our
news with online support groups. I know that when I look back on this time
after the boys arrive, it will seem like it was the easy part… We just need to have hope and take it one day
at a time.
I am being monitored very closely here. Each morning I get a
Doppler ultrasound to check the AEDF and make sure it has not advanced to
Reverse End Diastolic Flow (REDF), which is when the blood that is pumped to
the placenta and the baby via his cord during my heartbeat is going back to the
placenta without ever reaching the baby during times between beats. If
unaddressed, it can lead to stillbirth. So, if they were to see REDF on my
morning Doppler I would have a C-section in a matter of hours. As you can
imagine, I spend my mornings laying wide awake in my hospital bed waiting and
when I see the Doppler graph on the ultrasound, I say a little prayer the best
way I can (M and I aren’t religious) to ask for another day… It’s the hardest,
most tormenting wait of my life. And the outcome of the wait only gives peace
of mind for the next 24 hours.
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